The War with Yourself

Some say that copying is the best compliment. Or imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…

I don’t know if I buy it.

I think it’s one thing when someone says — OMG, I like totally love that -- and I’m clearly going to buy the same thing / do the same thing / etc etc. It’s a whole different story when someone just creeps on you and starts taking the things that define you as theirs.

A story…

A few years ago I was casually dating this guy. The relationship ended on good terms and we both continued on being friends. A few years later he started dating a girl who was clearly a nut bar. Their relationship ended on bad terms and she continued to demonstrate her crazy side. She knew that he and I were friends — and was extremely threatened by relationships that he had with women. It was evident she already thought he was shady and I can only presume thought he was interested in these other women more than he was interested in her. Likely some truth to that!

Anyways, although I had never met her, I learned a lot about her over the time that they dated… and because of the world of social media, I knew what she looked like. We were two different people. We were interested in completely different things and to some degree, opposites. Soon enough, I spotted her at my usual hangouts. I’d run into her on the train. She would consistently favourite my tweets. She requested to follow me on Instagram time and time again.

We didn’t know each other. She knew of me. I knew of her. But we weren’t friends.

Every so often she had so much of a presence in my life that I would get curious. I’d peek at her photos or read her blog.

What I found was a young woman eerily similar to me. She picked up running. She signed up for the same races. She booked trips to travel to the same countries. She stayed at the same hotels. She raved about my usual restaurants — and favourite cocktail {French 75 by the way…}. She preached about eating local, the farmers markets and being utterly in love with this beautiful city.

Do I sound like a crazy person right now? Yeah I was thinking the same thing… It’s easy to pick up on people who aren’t being true to themselves. We can all tell when someone is being fake.  I’d flip back to her blog a few months prior and she was entirely a different person. All of her ‘new habits’ seemed forced. It seemed like she was desperately trying to be liked or fit in.

I read her posts and felt overwhelmed. All I wanted to do was shake her shoulders and say — he doesn’t matter. 

Not too long ago, I was an entirely different person. In high school I was quiet and introverted. I was super academic and would consume myself in books. I could never figure out where I ‘fit’ and bounced around social circles as a follower. In 2003, I walked away from everything I knew, started a new chapter and decided I would figure out who I was.

In the past 10 years, I have completed 7 years of university {including a Diploma and Degree!}, worked for three companies, read an obscene number of books, dated 4/5/6 guys {I have no idea}, danced my heart out, travelled all over the world and learned a hell of a lot about myself.

I have evolved as a young woman through experience and the ins and outs of life. Over time I have learned the power of — surround yourself with who you want to become. I followed the lead of others and continually learned from the best of the best. I owe a lot of thanks to so many people — everyone from… Doris, who originally saw potential in me… Dawn, the best work friend I could every ask for… Dani, who gave me my first speaking opportunity… Lesley, who supported me when I was totally in over my head as a first time Supervisor… my Mom, who gave me a kick in the pants when I was placed on academic probation {and the list could go on and on}.

I remember what it felt like to not know who I was… hell I still have those moments of confusion time and time again!

What I’ve learned is that regardless of the decisions you make in life – it’s important to be you. 

Yep, the world wants you to be you!

Make mistakes. Learn from them. Embrace your strengths — and your weaknesses. Some people will like you and love you — others will hate you. The goal is to surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are.

A friend recently told me, none of us are perfect and that’s a-ok. Just keep on working on being the best person you can be. {… I was like uh huh… ok there, you psycho. ;)} Lots of truth to the statement — thank you D.

Learning from others is no big deal. Buy the same nail polish as your friend, identify with an article someone has written, copy someone’s rituals, whatever.

Just don’t consume yourself in being them.

Figure out what’s important to you and then don’t lose sight of it.

I used to be a follower. I used to think the same as others. I used to be in the shadow.

I know that was a complete disservice to myself.

Accept you for who you are. Shine. 

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not.” ~Andre Gide

An Experiment

After losing myself in the last few weeks and pulling myself together again, a friend challenged me to start dating. Like seriously dating. Like putting effort in and getting out there — to date. I really don’t enjoy dating, it’s never been my thing. If it was my choice, I’d like to zoom {like Jetsons zoom} straight from “yeah there is a spark” to “oh look you’re my boyfriend!”. Maybe I could just hire a body double to go through those first few months. All of that garbage in the early days where people play games, communicate half-ass with each other, and don’t put themselves out there as much as they should… drives me… bananas.

The thought was that I needed to gain my confidence back… to get back in the mindset of … yes, I am a catch — and if you don’t think so, you can go to hell. ;) We’re a long way from there… let me tell you. Aye.

So anyways I was challenged to consider Plenty of Fish. Yeah I know… REALLY? I have never online dated — and really never felt the need. I am super social, always out and about, and meet new people all the time. I have always thought of POF as the site where people go in search for sex. I used to work with a girl who told us horror stories every week of the bizarro men she dated from the internet. And hell I have enough trouble with creepos from Twitter!

I like to be put out of my comfort zone… well love/hate relationship. I know that being put outside of my comfort zone is a good thing. I was totally shut off to POF — so I knew that I had to do it. Kinda similar to when I forced myself to go skydiving.

On Friday night I sat facing the POF username box and thought what will my name be… I then spent an hour writing my profile, picked out pictures and before you knew it, a profile had been created. Quite a bit of work to make it reflect me, but now it was up! So what do I do, do I wait? Do I stalk dudes and approach them?

Instead I stalked girls my age to see who my competition was… ha ha.. and then I told myself I was allowed to delete my profile on Sunday. This little weekend ‘experiment’ would throw me into the world of ‘fishing’ for a mate — and perhaps give me a confidence boost.

My profile:

Earlier tonight I was at Kits Pool chatting with a girlfriend and she talked me into signing up for POF. I was all like — there is no way in hell I’m signing up. Never online dated, never felt the need to. She told me about her online dating experience and how many down-to-earth guys she met — continually reinforcing that not everyone online was a dirtbag. :)

So here I am! Lordy loo.

Where to start? Where to start? 

I moved to Vancouver last August. Born and raised in BC — but I’ve called Calgary home the last 8 years {don’t judge me}. Calgary served me well {university, career opportunities}, but I hated the city. I miss three things — my favourite restaurant {Taste}, my favourite coffee shop {for tea… Insomnia}, and my best guy friend {Aaron}. That’s. It. Oh wait… one more… two little girls named Sydney and Paige. I was a nanny throughout my university girls and practically raised these two. I think of them as sisters. Awe. 

Moving on… 

I LOVE VANCOUVER. Like to the moon and back. Moving here was one of the best decisions of my life. I love to explore and still have so much to see. I love to write and sip tea at Cafe Milano, devour pescado tacos at La Taqueria, drinks at the Keefer, farmers markets on the weekends and running on the seawall. I love the rain. I love the sun. I love to adventure out of the city, whether it be up the Grouse Grind {love/hate relationship}, a weekend in Whistler or taking the float plane over to Vancouver Island. 

I’m extremely committed to my career — and by that I mean pretty Type A, often intense and a high achiever. Most of my week is focused on HR consulting in the tech industry. Outside of the usual… I mentor youth, teach in universities, run a local non-profit, sit on a few advisory boards and heavily involved in the community.

I’m busy — but who isn’t these days…! I’m a big believer in making time for those that are important to you!

What am I looking for? 

I’ve got no idea to be honest. Perhaps to be pleasantly surprised by someone? It might be as simple as that. I’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason. For whatever reason I signed up to this POF beast tonight — and perhaps I’ll be frightened off by the end of the weekend.. not too sure! :) A few things I know for sure… respect, communication and support are huge for me. If I trust you, I tell you everything. I’m transparent and say what I’m thinking. I give more than I take — and friendship means the world to me.

I’m not into wasting my time — when you’re self-employed, time is money baby! I don’t date for the sake of dating. I don’t get into relationships with people I’m not interested in. I don’t spend time with people I don’t like. Space is critical to a successful relationship. I don’t deal well with needy, jealous or possessive people — let alone men. If you’re insecure, peace the hell out now. Be confident, not an arrogant asshole. Check your ego at the door — and do your best to keep mine in check. 

I 100% live by — ‘surround yourself with who you want to become.’

Substance is important to me. Regardless of your passion, you’ve gotta stand for something.

What to end with… so much pressure…. 

Live downtown, work downtown. Walk everywhere. Travel as much as I possibly can. Social butterfly. 

I don’t like chocolate. I’ve never tried coffee, but I hate the smell. I think cigarettes are disgusting. Oh and I’m totally not a cat girl. 

Boom.

Plenty of Fish has left me quite overwhelmed. All weekend I received emails, iPhone notifications — and I had this weird stalker-like desire to keep on looking at ‘who viewed me.’ The internet is a bizarre little land.

In 48 hours: 56 profile views, 17 requests to chat, 19 favourites, 24 inbox messages.

Like whoa. All of the inbox messages except two were actually well thought out, kind and pretty down to earth. But how the hell was I supposed to go on 20 dates now? Was I supposed to stalk them to narrow down the pool? And then move them over to text talking for the next week to shortlist them? So complicated. I know that people lie on POF and there for sure are those people who just join for sex and so on. But I do truly believe there are normal people out there just looking to date, meet new people — and maybe for love. The hard part is likely sorting through the garbage to find the gem.

There is a bit of system on POF. Girls put up their profile and then wait. Guys favourite you to show interest and then a few hours or a day later, they send you a message. You may or may not respond. If the guy puts in effort, he likely wants to meet you. If he’s written a one liner, he likely wants to sleep with you. If he requests to chat with you, lock your doors and shut your blinds.

A few reasons why online dating isn’t for me:

1. I spend a whole lot of my week online. The last thing I need is more online time.
2. I really enjoy face-to-face communication and getting to know someone traditionally. Call me old school. I like it.
3. I absolutely can’t stand when someone I’m dating online stalks me early in our relationship, so why would I want to build a relationship off of that.
4. It freaks me out that people use pictures who aren’t them and bios who don’t describe them.
5. POF’s ‘favourite’ strangely reminds me of Facebook’s ‘poke.’ Both are disturbing.
6. I don’t really believe in looking for a relationship. Love will come to me when it’s supposed to. No need to force it.

I get why POF {or similar} works for some people — I really do. All I know is that it isn’t for me right now. And I’m glad it only took me 48 hours to figure that out!

I am somewhat surprised by myself that I went along with this. I think the only reason I did was I thought — what do I have to lose? {I obviously wasn’t thinking about the super psycho that could have arrived at my doorstep! ;)}. I was in a super bad place the last week-ish and I needed that confidence boost — sometimes you just do. I put a lot of thought into my profile and writing it brought me more clarity about what I value in a relationship. Respect, communication, support — so important.

A few of the inbox messages made me smile and laugh. To the guy who wrote — “You have given me hope that there is down to earth, mature young women in this city. Thank you.” — you 100% made my heart full. :)  Two of the messages that made me totally laugh out loud…

The 33 year old construction worker:

Seriously do you talk ALOT? Under that impression, cause your write up is longer than the bible! I’m assuming you have many female friends where you talk and talk and talk and talk to for hooours… Right!?

So how are ya? Can u keep the response under a paragraph? ;)

The 29 year old ‘professional public speaker’ who’s interest was ‘making $$$’ …

Hiya babe, wanna run away 2gether?

And with that — profile deactivated. Apologies to the eligible bachelors that I led on with a profile. The good news is… there are many fish in the sea.

I’m back to my usual, balls to the wall, talk to much, take me or leave me self. At peace with me — which is exactly what’s important.

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”  - Marilyn Monroe

PS – Randomly found the profiles of 3 people I know from Twitter. Sent them dirty messages that likely made them uncomfortable. Why? Because I could. :)

Inhale, Exhale

It’s been a very long week and a bit. It feels like everything and nothing has happened all at the same time.

I move forward by writing. Writing gives me clarity.

One of the reasons I’m on this planet is education. I’m meant to teach — I know that. Usually that comes in the form of teaching in the classroom, mentoring youth, HR education — but sometimes it comes via my ramblings on this blog.

Over the last little while, I’ve let myself become devalued and destroyed by someone else’s actions. I felt controlled, punished and unimportant. I let myself slip into a downward slope of the blame game — “I did this. This is my fault.”

Soon enough the tears passed, I found an ounce of hope. Clarity came via the following:

You can’t control others’ acts,

but you can control your reaction to their acts,

and that is what counts most to YOU.

He made decisions that I didn’t understand. In retrospect, I’m not even sure I did anything wrong. I was me. Full on, highs and lows, talks a lot, take me or leave me… ME.

Where I’m at fault is that I let his behaviour get to me. That’s not his problem… it’s mine. {Insert whole load of self-reflection and big time learning}.

After a substantial amount of sleep, friend love and reflection, here’s what I know…

You deserve to be treated with dignity, value and respect. Yep, DESERVE. If that’s not being met, then you need to walk away and never look back.

Communication is key. It doesn’t matter if you have something good or bad to say — take the time you need… then say it, always.

Treat others how you want to be treated.

Build relationships on friendship and trust.

Vulnerability isn’t a weakness — it’s a strength.

And — everything happens for a reason.

Moving. Forward.

 

Everyone has a Story

I’m generally balls to the walls transparent with what I’m thinking, doing, involved in, etc. My past, the present… all of it is open book. The truth is, I’m transparent to a point.

Why? It’s safe.

I’ve been hurt. I don’t want to be hurt again.

I’m no therapist, but I think this is typical normal person behaviour. A lot of people keep a side of them hidden — the bad habit, the not so great part of their life, the childhood moment they just never got over. {This is me rationalizing that I am not actually a crazy person.}

It’s a late Monday night {or early morning} and I’m sitting here feeling both blessed and frustrated. Blessed because I have some absolutely incredible men in my life these days. Men I am proud to call my friend. Men I have mad respect for. {Yes I also have some super solid girlfriends too, but these men have been an exceptional presence over the last few weeks!}. Frustrated because I gave myself ‘Terrible Leader of the Year’ Award tonight — which is a whole other story.

I haven’t blogged in almost 3 weeks. A lot has happened. A whole lot of good has happened.

So what’s the point of this post?

I don’t want to feel that I’m hiding something. I want to feel like I can be me.

Take me or leave me.

What’s the worst that will happen? Someone will delete me as a friend, avoid me, shut me out of their life? Ahhh…. hasta la vista baby. I couldn’t give a damn. What’s the best? Someone will absolutely relate — and maybe feel like they two can have a voice. Maybe even someone will learn something.

{DEEP BREATH}

A few years ago, I was sexually assaulted by a boyfriend.

There I said it.

And yes A BOYFRIEND. He must have been out of his mind.

I pretended it didn’t happen for a year and then I was forced to come clean.

Who did I come clean to? The next boyfriend. The only person I had to.

Why has this all come to light?

Devon Brooks, a bright light, love bandit, mover and shaker {that I am blessed to call my friend} recently told everyone her story. Soak up every word in WE Vancouver. I admire Devon — like mucho respect. She is a force to be reckoned with and I have so much admiration for her telling her story.

Ever since Devon first told her story in the spring at TEDxKidsBC and then again, in the paper… it’s been gnawing at me. Devon is incredible open and so beyond her years. I started thinking about why I haven’t been able to come clean. Do I have all sorts of issues? Do I still pretend that it never happened? Do I care too much about what people think of me?

I don’t know if I know the answer.

All I know is what happened. And I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

The scary truth:

• 80-85% of rapists are known to the adult they attack
• 50% of sexual assaults occur in or around a woman’s home
• 27% of women whose sexual assault met the legal definition of rape thought of themselves as rape victims

I write for me — always. I write for clarity. My blog is my diary. Almost always I write thinking that I’m a crazy person and that no one in a million years would relate or understand. Over the last 10 years I’ve learned that many of us are living the same story — maybe in different countries, different exact situations — but it’s the same. In the past year, I’ve had 4,876 hits on my October 2010 blog post “A Voice“. I’m presuming the strong majority have come through Google. Young girls {lets hope} searching terms like ‘young woman breast cancer’, ‘young girl fuck cancer’ and ’bruised breast’. I told my story for many reasons — but a primary one was because when I was searching for information, I couldn’t find anyone’s story. I couldn’t find anyone who was going through what I went through.

I am putting this out to the world because you need to know… you’re not alone.

Everyone has a story.

Speak up.

PS – Thank you to D for the constant support, light and love. Thank you for the post. Thank you for listening.

Two to Tango

What’s life without learning?

I’ve learned a lot about men, myself and relationships over the last few years. I’ve 100% learned what I don’t want — I’ve learned some of my deal breakers {no they’re not crazy girl deal breakers – like physical attributes or material things, instead big things like abuse, cheating, jealousy and smoking}.

I’ve learned what I value — and perhaps, need, in relationships.

I used to date or be in a relationship because of convenience. I was single, he was interesting. Ok! Let’s go! I honestly didn’t put a lot of thought into the whole process. I didn’t do the — OMG. I am like totally in love with you. OMG. You won’t believe what he said. HE TEXTED ME. OMG. Ahh. I can’t believe this. This is like MAGIC. My life is COMPLETE.

It’s not you, it’s me? Perhaps.

I can’t blame the guys… {ok some were total douchebags and deserve full blame}. But at the end of the day, I really didn’t put in the effort.

It takes two to tango.

Before you knew it — the relationship would crash, burn and die. I would be left with battle wounds — and probably baggage of a relationship gone wrong. These relationships were transactions. I was arm candy and someone different than he was used to dating. He gave me routine. The relationships were one-sided and I was always apologizing for not being around/available/attentive enough.

I had lost interest before the relationship even began.

As I aged — and perhaps matured — my new approach was keeping everything hidden away inside and forcing a guy to break down the walls. FYI – such a bad idea {Any guy who has ever had to deal with a girl like this knows what I’m talking about}. It wasn’t about playing games — it was a way to protect myself.

By breaking down the walls, it showed me that he cared enough to go to battle. It was all about trust.

People fuck up relationships all the time. They get too friendly with a cute something something at the bar, fall out of love, spend more time on wealth than health and the list goes on. Forcing a guy to break down walls and you being a pansy little girl fucks up relationships too.

Soon enough — I was broken again. But this time in a way that I actually cared. I had given my heart to men who I trusted. That’s a totally different ball game then transactional dating you didn’t really give a shit about.

So I know what you’re thinking? … Get over it. Every other girl is broken-hearted. Life happens right?

Here’s what I know…

If you pretend it didn’t happen, it still happened. 

Everything in life shapes you into the person you are today.

Forgive — but don’t forget. {So easy to say, so hard to do.}

There have been many things happen in my life that I’m not particularly proud of.

Life happens. Shit happens.

You make a mistake — just don’t make it again. 

If I kept everything that has happened over the past few years bundled up inside me, I’d be a total nut case. 100% balls to the wall crazy. Instead — I openly talk about my past, I write and spend time reflecting on relationships asking myself what I learned. It’s easy to focus on the bad… aka I learned that you’re a total douchebag! But what good does thinking about the bad do for your mind? Nothing at all. One of my exes taught me a lot about music — and one taught me the importance of sleep and worked with me to get from 5 hours to a solid 8 a night for a year {huge feat!} — another who taught me that I don’t have to be ‘on’ all the time and I can just be me.

All of those things affected my life and years later still affect my day-to-day. And you know what? I’m totally grateful. Yes, I’m grateful for the douchebags! Ha. Who would have thought!

About a week ago I was chatting with a good friend {and mentor} of mine and he said — “How’s the boys?” My immediate reaction was to laugh. And then I said — “I’m bored to death by nearly every guy in my dating life.”

I didn’t even pause, I just said it. Whoa. Did that just come out of my mouth? Cover your ears. Cover your mouth. Who does this girl thinks he is? 

I immediately said — “That’s bitchy isn’t it?” And he said – ”It’s self-respectfully specific.” Ha. And then he changed the topic. :)

The conversation left me with a lot to think about.

Questions that went over and over in my head… Is that the truth? Do I really feel that way? I wondered if I was setting the bar too high… if I was creating expectations that someone wouldn’t be able to achieve.

Well guess what! I figured it out.

All I want is to be challenged. I don’t want to be bored. And I think that’s fair game. 

I’m tired of:

1. What is HR again? I don’t really understand. {… The management of an organization’s workforce. People. I work with people.}
2. How’s recruiting going? That’s what you do right? {… HR does not equal recruiting, but sometimes yes, I recruit.}
3. Why do you work so much? Your boss must be an asshole. {… I love what I do. I also like my boss.}
4. What’s this ‘board’ thing you’re doing? It takes up so much of your time. {… Board of Directors experience provides me with an opportunity to develop my skills, become a better leader and give back to the community. Obviously.}
5. Why are you volunteering again? {… If you have to ask, you should probably get out their and find a charity to work with}.
6. I can’t wait to watch TV and do nothing for the next 5 hours. {… Really? I’d rather nap. Can I nap?}
7. OMG you won’t believe what happened to Britney. {… This question is made up, but I think you get the point.}

This isn’t about ‘Are you smarter than your girlfriend?’ — this is about being on the same page as someone, understanding why they do what they do, and why it matters. I don’t have the faintest clue about Hunger Games, the world’s obsession with macaroons or why people watch basketball. I tend to talk in hockey games. I know more about pogs {throwback} then I do the latest video game.

I don’t know everything. Shock. Awe.  

If you tell me that you want to understand what I do — like you really want to understand. I will tell you — and you will get it. It’s not that complicated. But half listening means you probably don’t want to understand and will never get it. Resistance and distance in relationships grows when you’re not interested in learning. If you care for a person, you should care about what matters to them.

I think that your partner should push you to grow — and vice versa. The two of you together should be even more of a powerhouse then when you were flying solo. You both brought something to the table — so put it to use. Teach each other. Improve each other.

Be better together.

For the most part I have zero tolerance in my life for anyone who doesn’t have a quality or trait that I respect and look up to. It’s not a matter of — FRIEND DELETE. WE ARE DONE. It’s more like — You’re awesome, I’m awesome, but we’re headed in two total different directions. I wish you the best of luck. I have no time of day for negative Nancy’s, evil robots and cry babies.

Life happens. Shit happens. Figure it out — and move forward. 

Focus on quality over quantity. How many people have your back? How many people would call if you needed them?

I’m black and white when it comes to friendships, but I haven’t been with men in my life. I let them sit in grey area. I tolerate behaviour that I normally wouldn’t put up with in friendships. They want to spend the weekend doing the usual, but I’d rather learn about a new part of the city, try a new restaurant or go on an adventure. They shut the door on work at 5pm on Friday because ‘thank god the week is over’ — if you love what you do, you should want to talk about it. I go on a date and the subject of conversation is drunken expeditions, my friends are drama and I’m so tired of my job. All I really want to be talking about is what’s going on in the community, global change, the latest travel blog and how we’re going to change the world. I leave the conversation more stressed out then when I arrived.

These types of people aren’t bad — they’re just not me. I want more.

Surround yourself with who you want to become.

You should be able to look at your partner and say — I love that they’re like that. I respect who they are as a person. I can’t wait to see what we will create. You are full of love. You give more than they take. I love the good — and the bad. You are my world.

At last, it’s time to close a chapter. A chapter of transactional dating, brick walls and bullshit.

So here we go:

I’m done with games.

I’m done with being #2.

I’m done with waiting until you figure it out.

I’m done with being bored.

I’m done with wasting my time.

It’s not you, it’s me.

I’ve moved on.

Game Over

People always say — follow your gut.

But then why don’t we do it?

In this case, I’m talking about men. More specifically, the bad boy.

Most of my girlfriends are either attracted to the oh-so-bad-but-oh-so-good one or they play it safe with mr-wholesome. Next to never they hit middle ground.

When they have the bad boy, they want the good boy — and vice versa. Kinda like the debate over curly hair or straight hair, and bangs or no bangs. :)

The bad boy swoops in and consumes your life. Energy, tension, passion… they all keep you wanting more. You know he isn’t anything near ‘the one’, yet you still lust for him. You can’t get him out of your life. You create more space for him in your life.

Your head says no and your heart says maybe… maybe, just maybe we can make it work.

One day he will change.
One day he will treat you with respect.
One day he will appreciate you.

But then he does something that crosses the line.

And it’s game over.

 

thoughtful vs. transparent

My mind has been going a million miles per hour this afternoon. I’ve been frustrated, disappointed and mad as hell. I’ve had the chance to reflect on so many things that have happened lately and finally I decided that I need to blog. I need to blog the way I used to… writing for me, not writing for anyone else.

Time and time again, I tell myself that the most important quality to me in a relationship is being thoughtful. Truly thoughtful – above and beyond thoughtful.

To some degree, it’s been a good measure of men. So many people go through their day to day lives, thinking about themselves, their own issues and lose touch with what’s around them. When you truly step outside your cloud and take a bird’s eye view into your friends, families and coworkers lives, you learn how much you can give. A call to say hello, a random card in the mail, words of appreciation, babysitting for a friend in need, a hug… whatever it is, all of it matters. It shows that you care, that you’re thoughtful, that you give more than you take. When I stumble upon one of these thoughtful-types, I smile. I get them. I appreciate them for being different without even knowing it.

Today I was caught off guard. Today I realized that although being thoughtful is key to who I am as a person, transparency ranks just as high. In 2010, I blogged on transparency. It was a bit of a silly post – telling the world… “I don’t really care what you think of me. I am who I am and you’ve just touched the surface.”

For years, I’ve felt that I’m an open book. I’m very public, portraying my personality (the good and the bad) and thoughts on life all over the internet. Secondly, in person and whether personal or business, I am straight up and to the point. When I hold back, something’s wrong. If you push for what it is and I trust you, I give it to you. I am continually told that people appreciate I am authentic and transparent. They appreciate that there is less clouds, less grey and less confusion.

I know what it feels like to be in the dark. I’ve been there… that moment where you know something is wrong…  That feeling of anxiety that hits your heart knowing something has changed.

Today is different though.

This time… the problem is when you feel like you know everything, when you feel like you know someone, when you trust them with your whole heart… and you get your hands on a piece of information that makes you question who they are.

You lose transparency. And transparency means the world.

Does being transparent get me into trouble?

All the time. Every trait has it’s good and bad – but to me, I’d rather know then not know.

The key to authenticity in relationships isn’t changing who you are. The key is to becoming more self-aware.

Life is here to teach us. Learn from everything life presents. ❤

to love or not to love

So it’s Valentine’s Day. Yes, that “holiday” that comes one a year where society expects you to shower your significant other with love, feel sorry for all those that haven’t found “the one”, or embrace in anti-Valentine’s Day activities.

To be honest, I’m not anti- the holiday, I hate the holiday. I don’t hate it because I’m broken-hearted and bitter, nor single and spectacular.  I hate it because it’s a holiday where people have to prove themselves. Men have to show how much they “love” their girlfriend. Men are expected to buy candy, chocolates, flowers, jewellery, or god help you… a stuffed animal. Those in those *really* committed relationships ;) are spoiled with Coach handbags, Tiffany’s diamonds and Victoria’s Secret lingerie. Women get brisked away for a romantic weekend or a cutesy dinner on the town. Men get extra points in the dating market when they do something that’s creative or original. I’m serious… if you bake a girl cupcakes or make a homemade card… my god, she’ll be over the moon. The next day at work, when she tells the story of how her boyfriend did something different, all the girls will gush and swoon over how she’s found “the one.” Doesn’t that make you want to vomit?

Did you know that…

• 33% of single men avoid getting into a relationship between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day
• 4% of women in a relationship of less than 2 weeks expect a gift on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is just another day.  Love doesn’t mean material things. Love doesn’t mean confessing your soul. Love doesn’t mean you should splash your body in pink and red everything. Love is not about expectation.

Don’t even get me started on those who propose or get married on this day. To each their own, but that is absolutely ridiculous.

If anything, Valentine’s Day should be a reality check for everyone to say… “Do I LOVE life?” It doesn’t matter if you’re single or coupled up. What really matters the most is that you’re truly happy and that you share love with those around you.

Valentine’s Day should honestly be *my* holiday. I love pink, hearts, and all those xoxo’s.

I love LOVE.

Valentine’s Day is not my holiday, because I truly don’t believe in showing my love once a year – or even making it more of a priority once a year. I ensure that I embrace love into my everyday. Love is about 365 days… ok maybe 360 days, as I’m bound to be crazy a few days of the year. ;) Love is about seeing the good in other people. Love is about being genuine and active in relationships.

“Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.” – Nicholas Sparks

My favourite Valentine’s Day was in 2004.  A guy friend had just broken up with his girlfriend and wanted a night out on the town. A girlfriend and I went out with him – first up, dinner; next up, dancing at Outlaws (remember Outlaws…? such a brutal bar). I remember that night clearly, it was the first time I kissed a girl… oh man, such a sucker for love. ;) We left the bar and headed to Springbank for a house party, went hottubbing in our panties, and got home at 8am. My uncle (I lived with him at the time) asks me, “Where were you last night?”… I say “In Springbank”… he says “Do you know where that is?”… I say “No.” He says “Were you out for Valentine’s Day?”… I say “No.” Out of all the nights I partied in my first few years of university, I remember this night in particular because it was a ton of fun.

On Valentine’s Day 2010, I was in Hawaii on a vacation with a girlfriend. We went out for dinner and were told that the restaurant was celebrating “Singles Day.” We were given heart shaped balloons to wear on our heads… proof:

Valentine's Day 2010

Seriously? People all over Waikiki were walking around with these on their heads. Let me repeat… seriously? I’m all over a theme party or even a stamp on the hand – but heart-shaped balloons meant for head wear? No, that is not how Valentine’s Day works. Are you scared to hit up Hawaii over Reading Week now? You should be.

Everyone has their opinion on this topic. I am not the girl who has to be in a relationship to be successful or whole. There are pros and cons of being in a relationship vs. being single, but one is not better than the other. Being committed to someone revolves around timing. I am a true believer that when you are your best self, wonderful people magically appear. People are attracted to confidence, intelligence, ambition, and real beauty.

I have tons of girlfriends who are with guys solely because they don’t feel like they can be great alone. They continually spew out the “I love you” without the least bit of sincerity… why? Because they feel like they have to. They would do anything to keep the relationship that they’re in. Bad days dominate good days… yet they stay.

My thoughts are… why waste your time?

I truly believe that everyone will find that “can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff” in a relationship. Maybe it will hit when you’re 26, but it could be when your 18 or 40. The point is… if you know it’s coming… why look for it? It’ll hit you smack in the face when you least expect it.

Love everyday. Love your family and friends – and all their successes. Love the opportunities that are continually presented to you. Love that people have opinions and that they’ll argue with you. Love that you’re passionate and commit your time to causes you love. Love your job – the good days and the bad. Love what life teaches you.

For all of you that have been waiting for February 14, 2011 since February 15, 2010… power to you. I hope you have a delightful day and it is everything you could have hoped for. I hope that you are able to truly define love and know what you need from your significant other.

For all of you who love being single and everything that comes with it… book your yearly physical and girlie check up ha ha. ;) Head out on the town, go find a frog or a prince… drink too much wine and text that person you’ve been lusting after… or hit the gym (or the books) and continue contributing to that best person you can be.

For all those that do actually wish they were in a relationship and hate being single, let me offer you a few facts:

via http://www.pimsleurapproach.com/

See doesn’t that make it so much better?!! :D

If you were planning on gifting me with wonderful material things tomorrow… a few tips… I don’t like candy, chocolate or sweets. Cinnamon is not my thing, and cinnamon hearts will make my face scour into an ungodly look. If you give me a stuffed animal, I will call 9-1-1 to have you admitted to the psych ward. Feel like serenading me outside my place of work? I’ll pretend I don’t know you. Bought me jewellery? Every girl loves jewellery, but I’m the girl who loses the expensive pieces (most recently demonstrated through toliet flush of my pearl earring).  I love flowers, but give me carnations, and I’ll question how your mother raised you.

The key to my heart. A simple card. On any day except Valentine’s Day.

With all my heart I hope that you feel both loved and blessed. ❤

wedding date

This weekend I watched “Wedding Date” with Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney… not for any particular reason, just because I needed some background noise while I was studying.

The movie is a about a woman, Kat, who hires an escort, Nick, to act as her boyfriend and accompany her to her sister’s wedding.  Anyways typical chick flick to many degrees.

Best part of the movie:

Nick Mercer: Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close… your… eyes. You’re safe. You can relax. I’m not going to kiss you. He’s going be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he’ll realize what he lost.

Kat Ellis: Holy crap. You’re worth every penny.

It’s always important to remember your worth ladies.  Don’t forget about the bad… but move on from it. You truly are incredible. ❤

PS – I have quite a few weddings to attend in 2011.  The first guy who comes up with “lines” such as that one gets to attend all of them… ha ha. ;)

you deserve more

The idea of settling with someone has been continually reinforced to me over the past few weeks.  I am surrounded by people who are settling with significant others because they feel they have to (or need to). Then today, I was catching up on my blog reading – and Le Love (one of my favourite blogs) posted the below picture.

I am not an expert on relationships.  I make mistakes – all the time.  As of late, I continually date the wrong people.  Dating the wrong people is okay though, marrying the wrong person is a whole other story.  What do I know though…?  I will never settle.  Are you thinking never say never?  From the bottom of my heart, I would 100% rather be single then be unhappy.

I look at settling in a relationship in 2 ways:

1) You settle because you are incapable of being single. You can’t function without a significant other.  You perform better in all aspects of your life when in a relationship.  [I'm having trouble even writing this down, as I feel this option is absolute garbage.]  You are dependent on another person, so much so, that when you are not in a relationship, your life falls apart.  More about why I think it’s important to enjoy being single can be found here.

2) You settle because you don’t think you will find someone better. You find someone.  For the most part, she/he is a good significant other.  You laugh together, enjoy each others presence, etc etc.  But there is something missing… maybe she/he doesn’t listen when you speak or doesn’t understand the value of a small please and thank you or disrespects people that mean the world to you.  Maybe that missing something revolves around career, finances, or your love for travel.  It doesn’t matter what it is – the point is, in your heart you know its missing.  But you are afraid to end your current relationship as you’re not sure you’ll be able to find another one. You worry that the clock is ticking. You worry about what others might think…

Let me give you an example on the last point… I have a few friends who have recently come out of bad, messy relationships and are now with someone new.  This new person is the complete opposite of their ex, fulfilling them in a different way than they had in the past.  They think – “Wow, this guy is so great; I’ve never been respected before.”  UH. WHAT?  Being respected as a human being is a minimum criteria when it comes to a friend, let alone a significant other.  They were unfulfilled for so long, they have no concept of what they deserve.

I was recently told that I will never (I know… never!) find someone who will meet my expectations.  Gasp.  I will never meet someone who embodies the word “exceptional”… I will be forced to settle.  First of all, I don’t believe my expectations are high!! Secondly, it’s not in my nature to settle (in any aspect of my life).  Thirdly, why SETTLE?  I believe settling is giving you temporary happiness, but setting you up for failure!!  I value motivation, respect, compassion, support, and honesty.  But who doesn’t? Andddd…. why would you ever want to be in a relationship with someone identical to yourself?

Sometimes people make me shake my head…. moving on…

Is there such thing as “the one”?  My belief is that their isn’t one person for everyone in the world – there are many.  So what if it takes you a few tries to find a good one for you?  Who cares if you don’t have the white picket fence, 2.5 children, and small dog?

Is that what’s really important?

It’s important to love and be loved.  It’s important to be fulfilled mentally, physically, and emotionally.

“There is no passion to be found playing small — in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela

In life, career, and relationships, I truly believe we are all capable of great things.  We should not be striving for perfect and the expectations that others put on us.  We should be striving for happiness and personal well-rounded fulfillment.

Listen to your instincts, give yourself some credit, and settle for what you deserve. ❤